Shit You Should Know Before Calling Customer Service if You’ve Never Worked a Day in Your Life and are an Entitled Little Shit

Always have your most recent bill at hand, along with any verification information they might need. You’d think this is common sense, but it isn’t. Most places will want to look you up by address, which isn’t the easiest over noisy lines. Having your account number handy along with something to write with will make the call that much shorter.

If you have a complaint, ask for the Office of the President’s mailing address, or whatever the company’s equivalent is. Do not waste your time by complaining to the representative, they do not have enough time to register your complaint and they certainly don’t care, because you aren’t the only one. Written letters are what gets shit done, so write one and mail it in. It’s hard to ignore paper correspondence.

If you need to be transferred, don’t ask like a fucking dumbass “how long will the wait be”. Not only will a company not spend the money on the tools and training to find out what another department’s current hold time is, but those systems are extremely rare to begin with.

When you bitch about your hold time, you are wasting everyone’s time. The faster you are off the phone, the faster another person can be helped, which means that hold times go down for everyone. You are contributing to the problem by bitching about the problem. I gathered some back of the envelope math on this. If every caller spends 3 minutes bitching about the hold time, and a single customer service drone takes 40 of such calls, it’s 90 minutes of time wasted. 90 minutes that could have been contributed to the global hold time, and at least 10 more customers that could have been helped (most handle times are closer to 7 minutes than 9, though, so likely more customers could be helped).

The representative you are talking to is trying to help you. They aren’t trying to take your money or otherwise fuck you over. The company usually is, but that person certainly isn’t. Their goal is to get you fixed up as quickly and as accurately as possible, so fucking act like it and don’t talk over them or accuse them of shit that is clearly out of their control. If it’s obvious the company is trying to fuck you over, the representative will see it and find ways to fix it.

Don’t bother asking for a “manager” or a “supervisor”. That position doesn’t exist like it once did, 20 years ago. Most if not all call centers will never have actual management taking calls, the person you would be speaking to is just a normal regular representative, the only difference is they’ve been there for more than a month and haven’t quit due to the abuse you entitled little shits dish out. The first person you talk to (assuming you’re in the right department) is fully able to fix your problem, and as stated above, any complaint should go to the executive branch of the company, not the customer service branch.

The customer is not always right. In fact, the customer is usually wrong. You will not convince someone to break policy, so do not try. Whatever you say will be taken as a blatant lie until proven otherwise by notes.

If a representative can’t email/txt something to you, get the fuck over it. Companies are extremely slow to pick up new systems because it’s so expensive, and incredibly hard to secure properly (email in particular). They are even slower about rolling it out to everyone, and all the various call centers. This applies to many tools, not just email.

If you say anything along the lines of “hurry up I aint got all day”, you will be doubling the amount of time it takes. This also applies to saying shit like “do you know who I am?!”.

Nobody gives a shit if you’re “going to talk to your lawyer” or if you’re “going to report the company to the Better Business Bureau”. Literally nobody cares. At all. Nobody even checks with the BBB nowadays. If the issue were worth involving a lawyer, you would have done so already rather than throw idle threats at the person trying to help you. Fuck off already.

I’ve already touched on this, but it bears repeating: Do not talk over the representative. Please see previous paragraphs as to why. They are trying to help you, so you had better fucking listen or you will miss an important detail that will have you calling in all over again (and subsequently complaining about the hold time, which you contributed to).